My name is Ana and I’m 21 years old.

I live in Portugal and I’m currently on college getting a degree on pharmaceutical sciences.

I’m a great student, I come from a loving family and I have an amazing boyfriend and nice friends.

When I was 14 years old my doctor told me I had to lose weight. That was when I really started to feel that there was something deeply wrong with my body. The doctor gave me a meal plan and explained to me that the only way I could lose weight was if I ingested less calories than those required by my body. I followed the plan for some time and managed to get to an healthy weight, but as soon as I stopped seeing the doctor I gained all the weight back and got even fatter. I guess I was too young and careless. I was unhappy with all the weight I gained and started restricting my calorie intake and losing weight, but then I would put it all back. A few months later I would lose some more, and then gain again. It was like that for about 5 years.

By the end of 2010 I reached my highest weight ever: 160 lbs. I felt disgusting, and started to restrict severely. Since then I haven’t been able to stop.

My state of mind for the day is determined by the number on the scale. I already lost so much weight and still don’t see any changes in the mirror. I behave less and less like a person and more like a puppet to this disease. Lately this disorder has become unmanageable. I can’t focus on anything else. I can’t study for college, I don’t really listen when people talk to me, I don’t care for housework or fun activities anymore. I just want to stay in my bed and pretend I don’t exist. I only leave the house to buy food, to be with my boyfriend or to go to college when I really must. I cry every day, several times. I don’t have much strength and I feel my heart beat going nuts sometimes. I often get pains in my kidneys and liver. I didn’t used to purge much but lately I just can’t stand to have food inside of me. Paradoxically I also binge a lot, which leads to episodes of extreme self-loathing and harmful thoughts and a true belief that I’m not going to make it through the night. This is unbearable and I just want it to end, but the need to lose weight surpasses the instinct of self preservation. My broken mind doesn’t allow me to equate getting help right now, because I’m still so fucking, unbelievably fat.